The end of the year. And the end of another decade. I’m not entirely sure how that happened but it has. I haven’t yet worked out why the answer to the ultimate question is 42 and not 41 or 43, maybe in the next decade? This decade has had it’s highs and it’s lows, gains and losses.
Only a couple of years into the decade my world came crashing down after 1 moment. 1 accident. 1 split second. 1 unlucky step. And so began my years of torture. The bullying. The feelings of absolute worthlessness. The dispear and pain. I had my first ever x-ray and MRI. I started on a cocktail of medications, physiotherapy, hydrotherapy, graded motor imagery, mirror therapy, occupational therapy, psychology and spent time in hospital. I also had my spinal cord stimulator implanted. I admitted that I needed help and started using a wheelchair and got my first completely powered chair. I gained back some of the freedom I lost.
It’s also been a decade of heartbreak. Jill. My friend. The Mum of my sister from another mister. A member of my family. A woman who would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. She took us in at Christmas time and not once did we feel out of place. When I got hurt she would rescue me when I got stranded. She would send me a message to ‘open the door’ when I was hiding from the world. She would come in and we would have coffee and talk about nothing in particular. She would tell me things that were going on in her life or stories of my friend when she was younger. If I needed to talk she was right there. She knew when I was struggling. She knew when I needed a distraction or if I needed help. We lost her long before we should have. Sudden and very unexpected. I wish I had told her how much she meant to me. I wish I had thanked her properly for all that she did for me. For all the times she was there when I felt alone.
We also lost our Poppy Max. A man who we loved and respected. The lead surgeon of my dolly hospital when I was a kid. He could fix or make anything! He would take us to the park to feed the ducks and then to get a sneaky ice cream before we went home. This man loved his dessert. If it was sweet he ate it, even if he was ‘full’ from dinner. It’s not the same without him.
And then our best girl, Shelby. Our beautiful fur baby. My best friend. My physio buddy and secret keeper. My snuggle buddy. It’s still hard doing things without her. I still look for her. Sometimes I still call her name, but she doesn’t come. I talk to her box every day, telling her good morning and good night. Telling her how much I love her and miss her.
I have met so many great people over 10 years. People I wouldn’t have met if I didn’t develop CRPS. So thank you, you unrelenting monster, bexause even though I hate you, you have bought more awesome people into my life, and got rid of those who were never truly part of it.
I could look at all the negatives from the past decade, but it’s not just negative things that happened. A lot of good happened too.
- Went to see superwoman P!nk in concert
- See the Rubens, Lee Kernighan and the Wolfe Brothers.
- See Tom Gleeson live
- See the Cowboys win their first NRL Premiership
- Attend a premiership game
- Meet Chaz Mostert
- Travel to 2 new capital cities, leaving only 1 I haven’t visited yet
- See a Myer Christmas window
- Make new friends
- Start making cakes
- Say goodbye to my long hair
- See Mrs Brown’s Boys live
- Learn what I am capable of
- Keep moving despite pain
- Show bullies they will not win
- Learn more about CRPS and strategies to cope
- Learn that relaxation and meditation isn’t as crazy as I thought
- Learn how strong I really am
- Welcome new nieces and nephews, brother and sister in laws
- Bought our first home
At the end of 2019 we welcomed another fur baby into our home. Sahara the chocolate sable border collie pup. She’s a complete nutter. Shes a sweetheart and she has eyes that will melt your soul.
Through all the ups and downs there has been one constant, my husband. A man who has seen me at my best and worst. A man who holds my hand. A man who would sit his hand on my shoulder during the night if he heard me crying in pain. We celebrated 11 years of marriage and worked out we have been together for half my life!
As for next year, and the next decade, I have no idea. I don’t know what it holds for us or what it will bring. I know things will not dramatically change with my CRPS, anxiety and depression just because we have to open a new calendar. I will be continuing my fight, with my husband and my army beside me. There may be a couple who will not be walking beside me in their physical form, but I’ll carry them in my heart forever and always. I will keep going despite the negatives and try and find the positives as much as I can. As Albus Dumbledore once said “happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light”. Goodbye 2019. Goodbye decade.
#complexregionalpainsyndrome #depression # anxiety #endofdecade #happynewyear