Truth Isn’t Always In Pictures

It’s amazing what you can get across in a photo, but even more amazing what you can hide. A smile can disguise sadness, sunglasses can hide the pain and torment in your eyes.

A picture tells a thousand words… but not always the truth. I deliberately take photos of my head and hide the rest of myself. No one can see the excess me that has accumulated over almost 7 years. No one can see the monster that is CRPS in my right leg. The thing about pain is that it is mostly invisible. We can go about our day and nobody knows we are screaming inside. No one can see the fury, the raging, the hellfire, unless we let them.

(Last Week)

Take the Mona Lisa for example. Every one wonders what she is smiling about. Everyone wonders if she is hiding something. Maybe she is. Maybe she is masking sadness. Maybe she’s not. No one will ever know except her.
‘You are looking well’ is a comment we most often get when others see our photos. How often do we actually share our truth in our pictures?If I put up a photo of my truth, I would be a twisted, teary, red mess. Bloodshot eyes from no sleep. Scrunched muscles. Tear stained cheeks. I am not a pretty crier. I take ugly crying to the next level. The actors in Hollywood look so beautiful when they cry. Single tears rolling perfectly down their cheeks. Not the redness, the uncontrollable blubbering, the shallow breathing, the inability to get words out, not to mention, the snot (told you iit’s not glamorous!).
If I can, I avoid sharing photos of myself. Honestly if I can avoid being in a photo I will. If I have to be, chances are you will find me hidden in the back, trying to stay out of focus. I don’t want people to see who I am. I don’t want people to see what I have become. I want to stay hidden in the shadows. I can’t even stand to look at my own reflection. I pick myself apart. If only I didnt have this. If only I didn’t have that.

(2 weeks ago)

We lost our grandfather this year. A man who I loved and respected. I was lucky to spend some time with him a few weeks before he passed away. But I don’t have photos to remember it by. I didn’t take any. I hate having my photo taken that much. I have now missed out on a previous memory and that’s something I have to live with.
I’m the one behind the camera. I like to take the photos of other people. I love to take landscape photos. The photos that capture the beauty around me. I take random photos of my husband, when he least expects it. I take photos of my fur children. My nieces and nephews. But not me. I want them to have memories. I want the memories of them.

I look back at my photos and wish I had appreciated things a bit more. I wish I had seen myself the way I can now. I look back and see a body I wish I still had. The ability to wear long dresses, jeans, long boots, even knee length shorts.
Sometimes I can tell myself that it’s time to look forward, not back. Look to the future instead of the past. But sometimes it’s hard. I remember things and I smile. And then the smile fades to sorrow as I mourn the future I was supposed to have. Photos can’t show us the future. It would be great if they could! We shouldn’t stop taking them in fear they will remind us of what we have lost. They show us the memories we should treasure. So take more photos. Be in more photos. Print your photos. Treasure what was. Use them to keep you moving forward. The person in that photo wouldn’t want you to stop living your life. They had hopes and dreams, and so do you. I am going to try. No filters. No cropping out body parts. Just truth.
My nephew took this photo. I tried to smile… I was hurting and worn out. But I wanted to be with them. I love my little humans.

#CRPS #complexregionalpainsyndrome #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #breakthestigma #nofilter #showyou #showyourtruth #dontbeafraidtobeseen

6 thoughts on “Truth Isn’t Always In Pictures

  1. Gorgeous girl, I wish so much I could take your pain away and take you back to the time in your life when this monster wasn’t part of it. I will have to content myself with telling you how very much you mean to me and how much I value you. You are a wonderful creative funny warm person and I feel very fortunate to have you in my life.

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  2. thank you very much for sharing your pain….I relate to your share in many ways…. I know the mental part is the hardest, dealing with what you know you are going through. Wondering if you try to explain if anyone will hear you, fearing if they do hear you will it make anything better or will they to leave never to be seen again… god I wish I knew how all of us with our problems could solve them….I think this right here now sharing is a BIG shot towards healing…I suffer from terrible depression and mental issues… causes many problems, I’ve got a few very good friends who see me and do not run the other way…. I hope you are feeling better soon….. and even though I don’t know you wish you all the best that’s still to come your way….text 310.570.0859 If you ever need a friendly voice….

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    1. Thank you:)
      It’s definitely a roller coaster ride but I am very lucky to have some supportive people in my life. It’s definitely good to not sugar coat it and tell it the way it is. I just want to be able to show people they don’t need to be afraid to speak up.
      I hope you are doing ok as well. It would be great if we understood why things happen the way to do and one day hopefully be able to fix it. Right now, I’m just happy with spreading a bit of awareness πŸ™‚

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  3. We are lucky to be your parents! Watching you grow up along with your brother and sisters – proving to others that nothing will stop you achieving your best – the delight on a certain ladies face who still declares she played Cupid with you and Darran. This CRPS is shit! Does it stop you achieving goals – NOPE – it slows you down, drains you, makes you cry but you get on with life and now we see Sam shining with her beautiful cake creations she makes for people. Who would have thought how this accident would have turned your career and life upside down and out you come bringing love to others with your cakes! Your friend Fi is correct – you are an amazing person, very strong person, very funny person – and you have no choice in accepting us – we are family and you have our total support even if it’s only to yell at us when times are tuff, and having friends around that think you are awesome – well you are – they see the real you – don’t hide behind this monster – people who know and love you look inside and see you Sam for who you are – look forward – not backwards – always onward and upwards – we never know what’s around the corner for any of us – 1 day at a time

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