I’m a liar. I tell a lie every day. I dont like it, but I think its so much easier then telling the truth.
‘I’m fine’. ‘I’m good’. ‘I’m ok’. All lies. ‘Yeah not bad’. Lie. ‘Could be worse’. Well not completely a lie but not completely the truth either. If I was Pinocchio I think my nose would already be stretched around the world and doubling on itself. Carrying a tree on my face is actually really heavy. But I have to keep that tree growing, because I want to protect you.
People who are close to me know when I’m spinning my web. They can tell just by looking at me when I’m not being honest. They know when to ask and they know when to not.
I think it would be rather depressing to start a conversation with a negative like the truth. Responding with ‘I’m living in hell’ ‘my bones are being crushed’, ‘I am at my witts end’, ‘I’m in a ton of pain’. How is that a way to strike up a conversation? What would be your response? *Insert chirping crickets here*. I’m not trying to criticize other people. It’s not their fault. It’s a barrier I put up around myself. To protect them, to protect me.
I am kind of honest when some people ask me. When my physio asks I usually say ‘yep’ or ‘the same’. Not really the whole truth but trying to keep things positive. Why? Because I’m mostly a glass half full type of person. I believe in the power of positive thinking. I don’t believe that I’m going to positively think away CRPS, depression or anxiety. I dwell on things. I get sad. I get very emotional. I get extremely low. That’s why I speak the way I do. I refuse to give in. Sometimes I wonder if I keep telling people I’m ok, maybe one day I’ll believe it too.
I don’t like being fake. I don’t like pretending I’m something I’m not. But to make it easier I keep this other persona alive. I talk so much about breaking the stigma, but this part is really hard to break. I don’t want to burden people with my truth, so I tell them what I think they want to hear. We should give people credit as some of them can handle a lot more then we think they can. Before all this I didnt think I would be able to handle much more then I had. But I’m here. I’m still here.
#CRPS #complexregionalpainsyndrome #anxiety #depression #breakingthestigma #Pinocchio