The Beast Lies Waiting

I’m definitely not in a hurry to watch the show ’13 Reasons Why’ on Netflix. I keep seeing it advertised on my netflix feed for suggested shows. Any time Netflix is bought up in conversations it’s ‘OMG have you watched 13 reasons why? It’s such an eye opener’. I’ve actually read a couple of blogs on it now, and felt like I have some things to add.
To be honest I’m actually scared of watching it. I’m afraid of what it will stir up inside me again. It’s a daily battle with that part of my brain and I really do not want to contribute more to the struggle. Facing your own demons is one thing, I just don’t think I can handle this just yet. And to be honest right now I’m ok with that. Don’t get me wrong, if someone I know needed my help I would do whatever it takes for them to be safe. I would go to the end of the earth for them.
There has been two celebritties in the news recently, who have taken their own lives. I feel for them, and I feel for their families. I feel for the people that they loved and who loved them. It’s unsettling the amount of people who turn to suicide. And the amount of judgement that there is. People think that they are wanting attention, wanting to be remembered. It is so far from the truth! They don’t know about the struggle. They don’t know about the beast who lies waiting inside. Those monsters that are suppressed in the back of their minds. The monsters who only need one small action, one small event, one trigger to rage inside their bodies and pollute their minds. That tell them they are worthless. That they are not loved. That the world would be a better place without them. That everything is too hard and it’s not worth it.
The people who seem to have it together the most, are the ones who fight with their monster every day. I can go out in public and no one would have any idea of what’s inside me. I come across as someoone who mostly has it together. I talk about how I am not ashamed of who I am or what I am dealing with. Sometimes though, I am. There are some people in my life who I feel I have to protect myself from. I don’t want their judgement. I don’t want their pity. I imagine how the conversation would go. Them telling me I have nothing to be depressed about. That CRPS isn’t a death sentence. That I have so much in my life, so many good things, how could I be depressed?
But you just have to look at some of the celebrities. They seemed to have it together. They seemed to have it all. But that’s where appearance can be deceiving. We hide our monsters. We don’t let people see those monsters in fear that they will be frightened of us. We have so many good things, yet we also carry the burden of mental illness. It strikes anyone, any time. It doesn’t care if you ‘should be happy’, or if ‘you have it all’ or ‘there are people that are worse off then you’. Deep down we are frightened children. We pull the blankets up over our heads to try and hide from the monster under the bed, or in the cupboard. But we can’t hide. Because the monster is not out there. It’s inside us.
We have to stop hiding. We have to talk about the beast so others will talk. The conversation has to start so people feel safe. So children feel safe. We need to take the covers off our heads and stand up and say that you are not alone. We need to show our children how to talk about mental illness. There is help out there. You are loved. You are worth it. You have a future. Speak out before it’s too late. Please, please ask for help.
#complexregionalpainsyndrome #CRPS #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #breakthestigma #speakupevenifyourvoiceshakes

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