I have written about a few different things on my blog so far. Today I’m taking it to a more personal level. It’s a bit of everything all meshed into one.
I think that this is one of the hardest things that I am dealing with, right in the now. The desiere to become a parent. It is in the forefront of my mind a lot.
A few months before my accident, we were sitting with friends planning our overseas trip to the USA. My husband and I had decided that once we got back, we wanted to have a family of our own.
But that was torn away from us in one afternoon. It was actually a really lovely day outside, so it’s kind of a slap in the face there really. You expect bad things to happen on dreary days, on days where the fluffy clouds are grey, and the sun can’t reach through. As things progressively got worse, we pushed it from our minds as we focussed on getting me better. On and off for the past 5 years I have thought about it. It doesn’t help having people ask ‘when are you starting your family?’ ‘When are you having kids?’ ‘Why haven’t you had kids yet?’. They don’t really mean any harm by asking, as I guess it’s something that society has conditioned. You get married, and you have kids. My doctors say it’s not advised to get pregnant, because of my cocktail of medications and the unknown effect of the spinal cord stimulator.
I want to be a good mother. I want to be able to play with my child, and do things that normal families do. I want them to be able to sit on my lap and read stories. I want to get down on the floor with them and play. I want to hold them when they are sick, and teach them about the world. I want to show them the good in people. I want to show them that they can be anything they want to be. I want to show them that different is ok.
I have so many people in my life who have or are starting their families. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little envious. They are experiencing something so beautiful, and I’m standing on the sidelines watching and wishing that it was me too. Please don’t get me wrong, I am so very excited for them and proud that I can share in their journey. I do not want to come across as selfish. I am just being honest. I am not the first person to feel this way, and nor will I be the last. I hope that one day we will be there too. Whether we are granted the gift of me being able to carry a child, or a child coming into our lives from a birth mother. DNA doesn’t define a family.