One Day, Please Call Me Mummy

I have written about a few different things on my blog so far. Today I’m taking it to a more personal level. It’s a bit of everything all meshed into one.

I think that this is one of the hardest things that I am dealing with, right in the now. The desiere to become a parent. It is in the forefront of my mind a lot.

A few months before my accident, we were sitting with friends planning our overseas trip to the USA. My husband and I had decided that once we got back, we wanted to have a family of our own.

But that was torn away from us in one afternoon. It was actually a really lovely day outside, so it’s kind of a slap in the face there really. You expect bad things to happen on dreary days, on days where the fluffy clouds are grey, and the sun can’t reach through. As things progressively got worse, we pushed it from our minds as we focussed on getting me better. On and off for the past 5 years I have thought about it. It doesn’t help having people ask ‘when are you starting your family?’ ‘When are you having kids?’ ‘Why haven’t you had kids yet?’. They don’t really mean any harm by asking, as I guess it’s something that society has conditioned. You get married, and you have kids. My doctors say it’s not advised to get pregnant, because of my cocktail of medications and the unknown effect of the spinal cord stimulator.

I want to be a good mother. I want to be able to play with my child, and do things that normal families do. I want them to be able to sit on my lap and read stories. I want to get down on the floor with them and play. I want to hold them when they are sick, and teach them about the world. I want to show them the good in people. I want to show them that they can be anything they want to be. I want to show them that different is ok.

I have so many people in my life who have or are starting their families. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little envious. They are experiencing something so beautiful, and I’m standing on the sidelines watching and wishing that it was me too. Please don’t get me wrong, I am so very excited for them and proud that I can share in their journey. I do not want to come across as selfish. I am just being honest. I am not the first person to feel this way, and nor will I be the last. I hope that one day we will be there too. Whether we are granted the gift of me being able to carry a child, or a child coming into our lives from a birth mother. DNA doesn’t define a family.

I wonder what the future holds for us. I have clung to the hope of remission or even better a cure. But the time keeps on ticking. I feel like I’m stuck, stsnding still, with life blurring and whizzing by. I know that having children does not define a person. There are many people out there who do not want children. Those that cannot have children. There are a lot of people in the same boat as me. Some people are able to set sail on a different river, but some are still here, like me. It is personal choice to have children. I take my hat off to all parents, disability or not.
Right now, we have our fur children. 3 dogs. I often see posts where people rant about people like me, because we call our dogs our children. Saying we are just replacing human children. Just because they are dogs does not mean they do not deserve to be called, and be treated as, part of the family. People shouldn’t judge what they do not understand. Our fur children sleep in our bed. They sit on the lounge with us. They come for car rides just for fun. When I feel like complete rubbish and having a flare, they snuggle with me on the lounge or in bed. When my anxiety is through the roof or I am surrounded by the black fog, my fur children are there. They know. They don’t care if I’m still in my pajamas, or if my eyes look like I’ve gone a few rounds in a boxing ring. They don’t care if I can’t face the world or if I don’t have a lot of energy some days. All they want is unconditional love, and they return it in spades. Don’t get me wrong, they can be naughty and drive me bonkers but we still love them. They make our family.
 #CRPS #Complexregionalpainsyndrome #depression #anxiety #breakthestigma #family #parent #furchildren #onedaysomeday

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