Not Everyone Gives Up

A physio I have been seeing is finishing up and moving on to another job. Whilst I am happy for them, there is also part of me that screams ‘please don’t leave!’ Just a bit selfish of me! It’s extremely hard to find people who are understanding and wanting to help. It got me thinking about my experience with physios and doctors.
I have been extremely lucky over the past 5 years. I have had physios who have been nothing but supportive. I have former physios who I am lucky to now call my friends. They have been there through the ups and downs. And they never gave up!
I rely on my physio visits for manual muscle release. I do a lot of it myself with trigger balls, stretches and exercises. But there is a point I get to where I can’t release the tightness.
Every time I have had to find a new physio, it causes my anxiety to spike. I do not like strange people touching me. I don’t let people near my right side who I don’t know. It takes me a little while to get used to them, and them to get used to me.
The constant questioning has already started. What will happen? What will I do? How do I cope until they find a replacement? Who will that be? Will they be someone that understands CRPS? Is it someone who is going to take one look at me and automatically class me as ‘just another person with chronic pain?’ I’m not sure how long it will be until they find someone, and after speaking with them today, neither do they.  But that’s out of my control. Hopefully it won’t be too long!
Doctors are different. I haven’t been as lucky with doctors. I have had some great doctors and some who are not so great. I actually am looking at getting a referral again to a pain management service. In the last 12 months I got to see someone I thought was the answer to my problems. The doctor came highly recommended by many people and doctors. My first appointment was amazing. They promised me so much. They had fresh eyes and told me that I had options. They even said I would be considered for upcoming trials! We left that appointment feeling so positive.  I had a follow up phone consult with the doctor and had to tell them that the new program they had put into my spinal cord stimulator was not working. It was causing more flares. They assured me that this was ok and it happens. That there were other treatment options and they would come up with the best ones for me.
And then it came. The letter that burst my bubble. The letter where they said I had no options. That they couldn’t help me. They gave no explanation. That was that! I have never felt more alone then I did in that moment. I felt like I had been crushed. That the wind had been stripped out of my lungs. I lost it for a while. I thought, well if they are so quick to give up, maybe I should too. Everything suffered as a result of this letter. My body and my mind. I was empty. It was as if I were an old train running out of steam, while going up a really steep hill. The engineers had given up stoking the fire. They were tired and burnt out.
I have always done whatever has been asked of me. I have always done the ‘homework’ I’m given. I have always  followed instruction. But this doctor decided that I was too hard. That I was not worth the trouble.  When will doctors learn that they hold so much power and influence over their patients? When will they learn that their words and actions can be hurtful and detrimental? When will they learn that we deserve dignity and respect just like everyone else? I think the answer to all of these questions they should already know, but some of them choose to ignore it. They choose to focus on what and who they can fix.
I have a rule that I have always followed. If I am not willing to help myself, how can I expect others to be able to help? So no, Doctor, I’m not giving up. I’m a bit too stubburn for that. I will find someone who can help me. I will take a small decrease in pain over no decrease. I will continue to do my homework and everything else I need to do to get by. You may not be willing to join my army but I’m still going to put up a fight without you.
#CRPS #complexregionalpainsyndrome #mentalhealth  #anxiety #fightthefight #physiosareawesome #dontgiveup
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